I opened up a blank page because my heart felt heavy and I knew that there were words that I needed to write. Within minutes these words were tumbling out...and it felt good let them flow. Sometimes it's good to hold the emotions in and feel them. Sometimes it's good to release them. So that's today. A release.
To my husband:
I can still remember the day that we exchanged vows. It seems as though it was yesterday and a lifetime ago all at once, and yet the happiness that I felt then, I still feel now. I look at you and know that this is meant to be...this is that true God intended love. On that day, we promised to love each other throughout our entire lives, the sick and healthy, the good and bad. We had no idea what life would throw our way, but we knew that we wanted to face it together. I met you and I knew that I had found my God-given other half.
I can still remember those words...they echo around my head at random moments throughout the day. "No heartbeat." "Baby didn't make it." They are like vines that twist around my neck, trying to slowly strangle the breath from me. But then I remember you...and the way that the floor went out from beneath me when we found out that our baby was gone, but somehow I was still standing because of your support. With your hand in mine and another on my back, we faced our worst fear. Sometimes those moments in the doctor's office are crystal clear...and sometimes I can't remember any of them. But I always know that you were my strength during those moments. You held me and comforted me and I don't think I could have walked a step without you. I feel like I would have suffocated from the sorrow and the pain, but you breathed for me when I couldn't, with a touch, a tear, a hug and a prayer. You picked me up at my lowest.
And you are still my comfort and my strength, taking care of me and putting my needs first. You understand when I need to randomly burst into tears and when I want to lay in bed and bask in my sorrows. And you lay with me...and you whisper everything and nothing...and somehow it all seems better when I realize that I am going through this with you. And knowing that your strength comes from the Lord, makes it all even more perfect...to know that together we give our hearts to the only one who sustains us.
And I think it's good sometimes, that we can't see the punches that are coming our way. Because I think that maybe if I saw what was coming, I wouldn't be able to face it. I'd try to turn and run. But instead, we live and we fight through the storm as it comes, trusting that God will never leave us. I'm so glad that I get to ride this "lifeboat" with you, under the lead of our Captain, as He guides us and revives us, wave after wave.
I love you. So much.